MOUNTAINTOP CLEARING – EVENING
On one side of the clearing is a cliff that falls away into the hills and valleys of Vermont. In the center is a round ROCK (‘doubling’ as the WHIPPING POST in the TOWN SQUARE), the size of an armchair. Beyond the rock is ROSE’S CABIN (‘doubling’ as the MEETING HOUSE).
We hear BRIAN running as fast as he can. We hear his heartbeat pumping furiously.
Suddenly he breaks out of the woods and collapses on the ground.
ENTER
BRIAN
I can’t believe it. Up to my dirty tricks. Same story, different faces.
ENTER
ISAAC at the edge of the clearing the woods. He is signalling frantically, both arms flailing.
ISAAC
Psst! There’s a witch up there, I swear!
BRIAN
Huh? Oh it’s you, kid. Look…I’ll be fine. I will. You run along.
ISAAC
But…
BRIAN raises one weary hand (the bandages are nearly gone). ISAAC nods slowly – under the spell. He turns and runs downhill.
MUSIC: “I LOVE MYSELF”   (song)
BRIAN stands and walks to ROSE’s cabin – CUT AWAY to reveal:
an interior wonderfully lit and decorated – Japanese lanterns, candles, neon-sculpture, Christmas lights – a blinding effect. There is one bed, one bureau, one rug, one table, and a lot of bizarre junk - statuary, mirrors, Egyptian artifacts, etc.
and ROSE made up like a Geisha. It is not a perfect job. She’s wearing an absurd, over-sized, black-lacquered wig and headdress. She is dancing with a pretty SAMURAI BOY outfitted in full battle armor.
A lot of wild light floods out of a single window next to the front door. The light is composed of many colors and refractions. In fact, the entire cabin appears to be trembling, ever so slightly, with light and vibration.
He creeps up and looks in the window. The light on his face is dazzling.
(Note: ROSE is harmonizing with the SAMURAI BOY, but the voice coming out of his mouth is hers.)
ROSE & SAMURAI BOY
I LEARNED A SECRET
ABOUT THE DARK NIGHT
OF THE SOUL
WHEN I’M SCARED
AND FEELING LONELY
I LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND KNOW

They foxtrot. They tango. She is wearing precariously high heels that wobble a lot, but she is having a terrific time.
ROSE & SAMURAI BOY
I SAID HEY! HEY!
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE MYSELF
HA! HA!
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE MYSELF

The lids of teapots and coo-coo clocks bang and pop in time with the music.
ROSE & SAMURAI BOY
HEY! HEY!
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE MYSELF
HA! HA!
I LOVE MYSELF
OOOO!

ROSE laughs uproariously. She clasps her hands under her breasts, like an opera singer. She catches the BOY and bands him back over arm just like Fred and Ginger.
BRIAN looks in the window. He joins in the song from outside.
ROSE, BRIAN & SAMURAI BOY
THE SUN MAKES HEAVEN
THE MOON BRINGS RAIN
WHEN MY EYES ARE
WIDE OPEN
I FEEL NO PAIN
I SAY HEY! HEY!

(Note: While ROSE & SAMURAI BOY sing – I love myself, I love myself, BRIAN sings – ‘I hate myself, I hate myself’.)
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE MYSELF
HA! HA!
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE MYSELF
HEY! HEY!
I LOVE MYSELF
I LOVE MYSELF
HA! HA!
I LOVE MYSELF
OOOO!

ROSE and the BOY leap and prance. Suddenly there’s a loud knock on the door. ROSE snaps her fingers and the music stops – all motion freezes.
BRIAN knocks again.
BRIAN
You finished up in there?
(rattling the latch)
Open the door, damn it!
Suddenly the door glides open on a creaking hinge. ROSE and the BOY are kissing passionately, three feet off the ground.
ROSE (schmooch muffled)
I love myself…I…Hey! Who?
The two of them hover in mid-air like characters in a Roadrunner cartoon. They fall. The wig flies off. We recognize ROSE’S bright fake-red hair. A string of Japanese lanterns tumbles on top of them.
ROSE gets up and dusts off her behind. The BOY, ashamed, averts his eyes. BRIAN steps into the cabin, closes the door and leans against it.
BRIAN
Hey Red. Is that you in the Geisha getup?
ROSE (mimicking him)
Hey Re-ed? Is that youuu? Of course it’s me, you idiot! Who’d you think it was? Lucille Bawwwwl?
She jabs him in the solar plexus with her forefinger.
ROSE
Nice finger-painting party for sweetie-poo, huh?
BRIAN
I don’t want to talk about it.
ROSE (slyly)
Shall I turn you into something? Like the old days? A bear? A goose?
(lewdly)
A girl?
BRIAN
Don’t start in on me, Red. I’m not in the mood.
She slaps him across the face.
ROSE
Get over yourself.
(tearing off her costume, revelling in her mood)
It makes me sick! It’s all about you. Like the whole planet should open up its legs.
She glowers at him, storming about, setting things right. She snaps her fingers absent-mindedly. (She does this a lot.)
SNAP! The SAMYURAI BOY hops into an open steamer trunk at the foot of her bed, pulls the lid shut and disappears. SNAP! The lanterns blink off. SNAP! All the lights go out except for one kerosene lamp on the table.
BRIAN
Tell you the truth, I feel like I’m running outa time. Or time’s running out on me.
ROSE sits on her bed.
ROSE
Tell us all about it.
BRIAN
I just don’t get it… It’s not that I don’t have a life. I do. I have a bike. I’m ok lookin’. I get girlfriends. I even sort of appreciate the whole wild ride. But I’m not right…
(pointing to his heart)
…in here.
ROSE
Like we didn’t see that coming.
BRIAN
You gotta fix me, Red. You’re the only one. If I don’t get a handle on this…Voo Doo you gave me…
ROSE
It ain’t Voo Doo, girlfriend.
BRIAN grabs ROSE by her upper arms.
BRIAN
All it’s done for me is hurt people. People I care about, people I even sometimes…
ROSE hugs him. He looks in her eyes.
ROSE
Love?
BRIAN
All I really wanna do is be with somebody and be myself without scaring the heart out of everybody. The worst part isn’t that I can’t control myself, but that I don’t. Soon as I come up here I meet this Kingdom something or other…
ROSE
Piece of work, ain’t they?
BRIAN
…group of use-t-bes and guess what? It starts all over: the manipulation, the showing-off, the whole pathetic parade.
ROSE snaps her fingers and freezes BRIAN in mid-sentence.
ROSE
I got just the ticket.
She overturns lamps, books, dishes. She rips her bed apart. She knocks over a side table. SNAP! She lunges for a pot of geraniums. She grabs the flowers by the stems and smashes the pot on the floor. It shatters. She scratches at the dirt impatiently.
ROSE
Where did I put the damn thing?
ENTER
TUBBS (singing sarcastically)
I LOOOVE MYSELF
I LOOOOOOVE MYSELF…

ROSE
Tubbs! My God. I gave it to Tubbs!
TUBBS
Rosaleee?
ROSE
What was I thinking?
TUBBS (at the door)
Are you decent in there you old curled-up piece of liver?
ROSE is flapping her arms hysterically.
TUBBS (lasciviously)
You got that teenager in there with you, Red?
The latch rattles. ROSE is still flapping about, trying to ‘do magic’.
Finally, with a SNAP! she ‘invisiblizes’ herself – ‘becoming’ the chubby pink teapot on the table. She holds it in front of her like a silly piece of camouflage. But it works. Neither TUBBS nor BRIAN can see her.
BRIAN, unfreezing, with exaggerated grace, opens the door.
TUBBS careens into the room and crashing into the table. He recovers his dignity and takes a suspicious squint at the teapot.
TUBBS
They says you a witch. My goatee! ‘S ‘bout as big a load o’ horse pie ‘s you can buy! Lucy In The Sky!
TUBBS (belching)
You’re Brian, ain’t ya? The summer kid. Figured it out all by myself.
TUBBS grabs BRIAN affectionately by the hair and gives him a yank.
TUBBS
You ain’t no fairy, are ya?
BRIAN
Wouldn’t you like to know.
TUBBS squints at BRIAN, shrugs and searches his pockets for a bottle of whiskey.
TUBBS produces a half-filled pint of Wild Turkey.
TUBBS
How’s about a toast t’ ol’ Rosalee?
BRIAN
Be my guest.
TUBBS takes a long draught and wipes his mouth on his sleeve.
TUBBS
Things ain’t been the same round here since my affectionate schwan, decided to close me out. Frittered the Sugarbush off to that Bible-pounding fakir n’ them dead again Christians. Wouldn’t ya know it, fust time I make a money deal, it land me in the toilet!
He smacks the bottle on the table and slips a brown paper package out of his jacket. He pets it covetously.
BRIAN
What you got there, pal? Dead rat?
TUBBS
She told me to give it to ya. Didn’t trust herself with it. So I keppit safe, away from them clam diggers.
TUBBS jumps up and whirls around.
TUBBS
Gotcha!
ROSE-as-teapot scoots across the table like a hockey puck, knocking the Wild Turkey to the floor, startling TUBBS.
The package pops into the air, but he catches it before it hits the floor.
TUBBS
Woman’s a virus.
Crouching, he tries to salvage the booze, which has spilled all over the floor.
TUBBS
C’mon kid. Hep me.
TUBBS slips a plastic straw out of a pocket and siphons the puddle into his mouth. He holds the package out to BRIAN.
TUBBS (slurping)
Open up.
BRIAN takes the package reverently. He looks at the teapot.
TUBBS
What are you waiting for?
BRIAN
I just wasn’t sure if this was the ideal time. I mean I’d like to, Mr. Tubbs. I would. But if I did, right away, your affectionate swan might show up and be a big pain in the neck.
TUBBS
Lookit here. I ain’t stupid. You jes want to hog it for yoursef. Now you open up and let me in on it. I hid out for months without so much as a squint.
BRIAN turns his back and loosens the string bindings. The paper falls off easily. TUBBS sidles up behind him and peers over his shoulder.
BRIAN unwraps a beautiful, golden harmonica.
The sound of a million crickets swells outside.
BRIAN
Must be as old as God.
TUBBS
That ol’ mouth organ?
BRIAN reads an inscription.
BRIAN
“FOR THE PURE OF HEART.”
TUBBS
What’s that supposed t’ mean?
BRIAN
It means I won’t be playing it.
TUBBS
Sword in the stone! Play that bone! Play ‘Moon River’. Play ‘White Rabbit’.
A focused jet of steam, like a ray gun blast, shoots out of the teapot. It strikes TUBBS on the back of his head and freezes his arms and body, stiff as a statue, in a whoop-it-up position.
ROSE ‘reappears’ - a genii out of a bottle.
ROSE
‘White Rabbit’?!
BRIAN struggles with the harp, trying to play. He produces a pathetic little toot.
ROSE
Do you understand what it says?
BRIAN
Does it look like I do?
ROSE
It’s a cinch. To be pure of heart means you have to do for others.
The chirruping of crickets swells up.
ROSE
You can’t just go ahead and expect everything to fall into place. And you can’t love anybody proper until you learn to see the world through their eyes. It’s not about you, Brian. It’s about them. About knowing what they lost. That’s what makes them same as you. And you don’t know it yet, but you got a heart that can ‘see’. Just stand there, kid, in the Light, before their souls and open your eyes… Your heart’s been one-sided. That’s why you messed with that day care chick.
BRIAN
You’re sure about this?
She nods at the harmonica.
ROSE
This will help. I invented it. Play it. Make it sing. Go on.
BRIAN
I can’t.
ROSE
You’re just scared. Take a breath. Let the thing play itself. You do that; you’ll do right by everybody.
ROSE’S fingers are crossed behind her back.
BRIAN
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
She shrugs. He tries. The sound is horrible.
ROSE
Don’t give up, dearie. Not now.
He tries again – a couple of false notes. His hands are trembling.
MUSIC: “I WANT TO BE LOVED”   (song)
All the lanterns and Christmas lights and candles simultaneously blink on. BRIAN steps past the still-frozen TUBBS, out the door and into the clearing.
BRIAN
I REACH FOR STARS
I HOLD ‘EM DOWN
I PAINT THE FOREST
FLY AROUND
WHERE NOBODY GOES
AND NOBODY KNOWS
I GOT THE MAGIC
IN MY HAND
I’M MAKING SILVER
OUTA SAND
I’M A HUNDRED YEARS OLD
GOT A HOLE IN MY SOLE
AND WHEN THE NIGHT
COMES POURING DOWN
I RIDE MY EAGLE INTO TOWN
OH I JUST STARE
I DON’T BELONG THERE

Again he tries to play. He’s still in awe of it, but less afraid.
BRIAN
I’M STILL A BOY
I’M CHASING YOU
I HAVE A DREAM
I’M GOING TO
BEWARE OF MY LOVE
WHAT I AM MADE OF
YOU THINK OF ME AS
JUST A KID
CAN’T HEAR THE VOICES
IN MY HEAD
OH WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I AM SCARED OF THE SUN
I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT
TO BE LOVED

He begins to play quite beautifully. ROSE, coming into the clearing, becomes visibly younger.
TUBBS, unfrozen, appears beside her as a handsome young man, a vintage Woodstock hippie. He and ROSE beam at one another. They waltz together as fireflies blink around them.
When BRIAN stops playing, ROSE and TUBBS return to their present age and appearance. TUBBS freezes back to his his original wild position.
BRIAN
CAN YOU BELIEVE
I WANT TO CHANGE
I’M GONNA LEAVE
THIS MOUNTAIN RANGE
I GOT YOU INSIDE
YOUR FACE IS ALL BRIGHT
CUZ ALL I REALLY WANNA DO
IS SPEND ONE HUMAN NIGHT
WITH YOU
WITH MY DARKNESS BEHIND
I WILL TRY TO BE KIND
I WANT I WANT I WANT
TO BE LOVED

He plays the harp once more. This time it’s perfect.
ROSE
Not bad. Not bad at all.
(sighs)
I need a nap, dearie. You had your first lesson, on the house.
ROSE pats the frozen TUBBS on the head, smiles, steps into her cabin, closes the door, snaps her fingers and puts out all the lights. TUBBS comes to. He shivers and is disoriented.
TUBBS
Tubbs like rubber. Rub a dub dub dub.
BRIAN pockets the harmonica. TUBBS squats and farts.
TUBBS
One for the Gipper!